Paddy was at the bar and ordered 5 pints of bitter.

Barman said “would you like a tray?”



Paddy said “no thanks, won’t be able to carry that as well”

wonder if it was the same guy who sold us ours called woodbine,

he had both hind legs missing but enjoyed going out for a drag

If we're also doing true stories which just happen to be funny then I'll sling this one in:



now, please note this is not an 'Irish joke', as they are generally lovely people and don't deserve it. However...many years back, when I was in a band doing the pubs and clubs of Northern England we once got a gig at a Catholic club in Leeds, sort of in the Hunslet area. I looked it up on the street map and it seemed easy to find but, pre (by a long time) sat-nav the inevitable happened and we got lost. However, all was not lost as we were near at a long queue standing at a bus stop, and someone was bound to know where it was. And they did. a very nice chap who just happened to Irish -perfect for knowing where the Catholic club would be!



"Ah, you need to go back up to the red light at the crossroads. Then turn left and go down the hill about half a mile and you'll see the church- you can't miss it. Have you got that? back to the red... no no, to the GREEN light, turn left etc"



There are some things you just can't make up, though I confess I used it as a joke for years in the band and I've heard it told by others - but it was me it really happened to!

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?''Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.  Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'



'What? Put him down --- because he's cross-eyed?'



'No, because he's really, really, heavy'

A pregnant woman is on the bed in advanced labour when she suddenly shouts out "I'mWon'tIt'sShouldn'tThat's"



The midwife comes rushing in and says "I don't think it's going to be long now. Those contractions seemed very close together."

When scuba divers are sat facing inwards on the edge of the dinghy before rolling backwards into the water. Why do they do that?

...because if the rolled forward they’d fall back into the boat.

Ever noticed how angry the staff at the job centre are when they hear you turned up for an interview with underpants on your head and swearing?



Stop sending me for interviews then I need to chill out. Morons.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.



The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"



"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.



"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.



"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!"



"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."



The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"



The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf

I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she’s been with.



She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.

I went into Greggs today and asked, "How much are sausage rolls?"



"£2 for two," the assistant said.



"How much for one?" I enquired.



"£1.20," she replied.



"I'll have the other one," I told her.

Just met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area...



He had a Wigan address!